Communities' response to grief: how do we normalise the conversation, individualize our connection and sit with the hurt?
In my role as a Wellness Navigator for small rural communities, grief is always an important topic. We can help reduce the stigma related to loss when we normalize talking about grief and tailor our conversations to the people in front of us. Losing a community member has a lasting impact on many of us in rural Nova Scotia, including youth. Grief and knowing how to talk to our youth can certainly bring up many questions and hesitations. Having conversations at home can be more beneficial than leaving everything for online platforms.
Information spreads so rapidly online these days that sometimes grief and loss are skimmed over so quickly during a “scroll” that the impact is not felt until much later.
So how can we talk to our youth at a time when conversations with caregivers can sometimes be dismissed as information they already know?
Grief and loss can present themselves differently in everyone. Sometimes that can look like deep sadness; other times, unanswerable questions and disengagement from the hurt accompany a lot of overthinking. In younger kids, grief is often very physical. In older kids, anxiety, isolation, and identity-related questions may arise.
Speaking clearly and with age-appropriate facts helps reduce confusion, opens healthy dialogue and leaves room for parents and caregivers to express their humanity while speaking of loss to youth. Letting our loved ones know that feeling sad is part of our experience too helps hold space for children who may not know how to express their own. Grief can also feel so definitive that anger holds a person closer than sadness.
Being honest and forthright about our own unanswered questions helps bridge the gap between support and connection. Not knowing “what to do” when faced with grief is a reality we are faced with when our own emotions may be on overdrive. Having healthy supports and acknowledging any reduced emotional capacity can help youth understand their own. Having conversations with our youth when we are emotionally able helps co-regulate feelings that may arise and helps open the connection to responsive and supportive communication. Being mindful of our own feelings and articulating them the best we can is a great starting point in our aim to soften confusion and hurt associated with loss.
Children and youth process grief in many different ways and oftentimes not wanting to talk can be at the forefront. Watching videos related to grief together, finding grief support in your area and offering an alternative safe person to talk to can all be ways to expand the possibilities of talking through grief.
We can experience grief with death, but that is not the only time in our lives grief is present.
Missing out on important milestones we cannot get back.
Having a relationship dissolve.
Losing an opportunity we were really looking forward to.
Not having the outcome we had hoped for in an important area of our lives.
Wishing circumstances were different.
These can all be life-changing events, and they serve as an important reminder not to diminish others' grief. We all hurt and process our experiences differently; leaving open dialogue for emotions that look different from our own can reduce the impact of isolation in our loved ones. When we ask our youth how they would like to be supported, they may not know. Offering two to three tangible efforts we are reasonably able to provide shows them we are here, we care and we want to help lessen the burden they may be facing. We do not have to deal with grief alone. It is important to reach out for help if supporting a loved one requires a little extra care. Communities can uplift individuals in times of hurt through a church, a friend group, a mentor, or a community program.
Here is a list of resources I have found:
NS Health https://mha.nshealth.ca/en/topics/conditions/grief
Hospice Halifax- Children and youth grief support music therapy- https://hospicehalifax.ca/programs/musictherapy/
Kids Help Line https://kidshelpphone.ca/?s=grief&s_page=support
IWK bereavement support.
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